old school Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 At Universal today. I just heard a teamster tell a non PC sound man joke..... "What does a sound crew and 3 lesbians have in common? Six people who don't do dick." Sorry if this offended anyone. I just thought I'd heard all the sound man jokes. Love local 399. CrewC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berniebeaudry Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Why can't Stevie Wonder see any of his mates? Because he's married. Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's piano? No...... Neither has he. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Davies Amps CAS Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 How can you spot a focus puller at a party? He's the guy with the snide Rolex, Freebie Arri t-shirt and the supercilious look down his nose. Malcolm Davies. A.m.p.s. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Davies Amps CAS Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 And finally! A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a guy below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The guy below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees West longitude." "You must be a Production Sound Mixer." said the balloonist. "I am." replied the guy, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The guy below responded, "Then you must be a Producer. "I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?" "Well," said the chap, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BWilson Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Mega Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 And finally! A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a guy below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The guy below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees West longitude." "You must be a Production Sound Mixer." said the balloonist. "I am." replied the guy, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The guy below responded, "Then you must be a Producer. "I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?" "Well," said the chap, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" Brilliant... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old school Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Both of them are great jokes Malcolm. Thanks. CrewC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Davies Amps CAS Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 Honest Guys this is the last one! Letter from a Tumba kid to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Tumba is short for Tumbarumba, a small town not far from Wagga Wagga, NSW, Australia.) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't have to get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make your bed and shine your boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing. Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what your doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock. This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bulls eye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at you like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before Thanksgiving. All you gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload. Then you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from Seals - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is. Your loving daughter, Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VASI Posted January 20, 2013 Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 Different but: http://opus-harmonious.com/Opus%20Harmonious/Audio%20Gear%20BS%20Generator.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis OB Posted January 20, 2013 Report Share Posted January 20, 2013 What's the difference between a sound mixer and a genny? The genny stops whining at the end of the day. I frequently use that one on set, but I substitute the genny for a Red Epic. Usually followed by a request to turn the fan down... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pkautzsch Posted January 21, 2013 Report Share Posted January 21, 2013 How do you find the soundie's kid on a playground? Well, look for the boy sitting in the corner watching the other kids play. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One holds the bulb, the other four drink until the room is spinning. (To not fuel anything more than I already did, I edited out a joke involving soundies and 9/11 that turned out to be a offensive - which was *not* intended) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonam Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 How do you find the soundie's kid on a playground? Well, look for the boy sitting in the corner watching the other kids play. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One holds the bulb, the other four drink until the room is spinning. Soundie's last words in World Trade Center on 9/11: "Hold for plane..." I'm not american but the last joke isnt funny to anyone. Think before you post if you want to keep friends Germany... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fieldmixer Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 It was a zinger thats for sure. Still too soon Sonam? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fieldmixer Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 I like Toline's line: "A lack of planning on your part does not necessitate a crisis on my part" Or coming from the service department at one of our favorite dealers. "A lack of planning on your cart does not necessitate a crisis on my part. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pkautzsch Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 Sorry if that last one offended anybody, wasn't intended as such. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonam Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 It was a zinger thats for sure. Still too soon Sonam? Ha, not personally. I just don't think jokes on mass terrorist or organised death, are funny at any point after the fact. As a sound joke that would be scraping the barrel, but I'd totally say it if I wanted to lose the rest of any adversaries, I made on set.. ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bmfsnd Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 Yeah, it's pretty big. Extends pretty far too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfisk Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 When I worked in video games, and game designers and animators would come to me with problems that they created, but somehow needed audio help, I would reply with "Let me drop everything and work on your problem". That saying was also on a t-shirt that I have as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sterling Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 Whats the difference between a grip and a pig? A pig won't stay up all night trying to fuck a grip Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Davies Amps CAS Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Way back in the early 1960's I worked for the BBC in London at the huge Television Centre. I was seconded to a presentation studio where if something went wrong like loss of sound or vision it was put in the daily log as a PCU. What's a PCU you may ask? it's a PRODUCTION COCK UP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Miramontes Posted January 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 How can you spot a focus puller at a party? He's the guy with the snide Rolex, Freebie Arri t-shirt and the supercilious look down his nose. Malcolm Davies. A.m.p.s. Oh man, I'm using this one tomorrow! Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon Hayter Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 Q: Why did the focus puller tread on the snail? A: Because it had been following him around all day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christian Spaeth Posted February 1, 2013 Report Share Posted February 1, 2013 What's the difference between a producer and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matthias Richter Posted February 1, 2013 Report Share Posted February 1, 2013 You know there IS a medicine for cancer - its just very hard to generate. Oh yeah? What is it? A soundmixers sweat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jordanhoodtaylor Posted February 1, 2013 Report Share Posted February 1, 2013 How can you tell if a producer is lying? Their lips are moving Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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