Jump to content

Very Early FYI - NAB


Eric Toline

Recommended Posts

The following is intended as satire and is not to be construed in any way to impugn any company, person, or entity.

So there!

Grabbing my crystal ball from the bowling bag that unceremoniously languishes in the back of a cluttered closet, I offer:

NAB 2013 ANNOUNCEMENTS AND EVENTS

Realizing that they have been scandalously ignoring a gold mine of innovation, Lectrosonics announces that all fictional April Fools Day products will be developed into full working versions and will be shipping to dealers by early summer. Especially anticipated is the "World's Smallest Transmitter" which will also incorporate the Rio Rancho company's innovative Shaque technology. In somewhat-related news, Lectrosonics has announced that it has just hired a super-sub-miniaturation specialist.

Sound Devices will officially announce their new company division, "Picture Devices." It is expected to be followed in subsequent years by other new divisions such as Lighting Devices, Grip Devices, and the much anticipated Craft Services Devices.

Zaxcom will announce that all of the Nomad's originally promised features will be completed soon -- perhaps by the following year's NAB show.

In other Nomad developments, Zaxcom will announce a simple stick-on overlay for the LCD panel that miraculously converts the display into a dazzling LED light show viewable from Mars with the naked eye.

At a morning press conference, Trew Audio announced the acquisition of something.

Pin Mic developer, Ricsonix, will demonstrate their newest innovation, a unique lav hiding system called Skin Mic. The paper-thin microphone capsule will be imbedded just below the epidermis and the cable will be concealed within a major artery. Early production units have encountered a few problems -- not to mention lack of test subjects -- so actual production may be delayed.

Denecke unveiled that they are working diligently to develop a time code box that will eliminate all user error, and totally compensate for lack of time code knowledge and understanding on the part of the user. That development is still underway and not expected to culminate any time soon.

In NAB after hours news, a large group of location sound mixers was taken into custody after federal authorities who had been surveilling an area restaurant on an unrelated case, became alerted by the frequent mention of "shooting" and the use of the terms "shotgun," "boom," and "hidden microphones." The authorities were further convinced of the group's nefarious intentions by observing the uniforms worn by all members. An unveiled reference to eliminating "submarines" was emblazoned on every chest and the alleged cult was speaking in an unrecognizable language, peppered with English words and phrases such as "wavelengths," "dispersion," and "axis." Once incarcerated, the group continued their merriment, undaunted by the evening's turn of events. One member contacted a production company he had been working with and they arrived in time to videotape segments for a "reality show." Unfortunately, when the show was pitched to network brass, they responded with, "No one cares about sound."

Back on the exhibit floor, British company Rycote announced that development is underway for a new lav mounting system that completely eliminates clothing noise. The company demonstrated the principles of the system with a naked actor and a boom mic.

A panel discussion on "The Future of Bag Mixing" seemed to focus on the twenty-four wireless receivers and three, eight-channel mixers that bag mixers will be expected to furnish and carry. Most producers on the panel reluctantly accepted that equipment package rates were likely to increase from the current $150 to almost $200.

In a related development, People Devices announced that it will develop a clamp-on exoskeleton suit that will distribute a weight of up to three hundred pounds evenly across the body of the wearer. Work is underway in Wisconsin at the People Devices' labs to find ways to trim the suit's native weight to below two-hundred-fifty pounds.

In a further related development, Remote Audio introduced a new battery system that will enable all day use of a full 24+3 bag. The system resides in an all-terrain cart that can be towed via a clovis hitch on the sound mixer's belt.

Camera company Red unveiled their newest offering, scheduled to ship whenever, named the Red Menace. The Red Menace features a ground-breaking, awe-inspiring, rendering-any-intelligent-being-speechless, 33k resolution with files to be recorded on a solid state array that doesn't yet exist. Important features of the Menace include time code and gen-lock accessed via Tuchel connectors located on the bottom of the camera. Audio is input at an undisclosed level and is connected using a strip of screw terminals inside the lens port. Rumor has it that the use of screw terminals for the sound inputs was the result of a misunderstanding at the company, when a Red developer was overheard to say, "Screw the audio." Suggested list price for the Red Menace is $200. Suggested list price for the mandatory accessories is $58,300, payable in advance, and will ship sometime... maybe.

Everybody and his pet monkey is selling LED video lights and 3D systems and accessories. The monkeys seem to be outselling "everybody."

And that's the prognosticated news from NAB 2013. Enjoy the show!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 55
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Hi John,

It's all great but

<<"Rumor has it that the use of screw terminals for the sound inputs was the result of a misunderstanding at the company, when a Red developer was overheard to say, "Screw the audio." >>

made my morning.

Best,

Larryf

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...

Vasllieos,

Your wish for AES camera audio granted early, Sony F5 and F55 will have AES inputs:

Audio recording on the F5 and F55 is Lin- ear PCM, 2 channel, 24-bit, 48

The audio module attaches with two screws to the right side of the camera. It provides two standard 3-pin XLR female connectors, switchable from Analog to Digital:

Analog: CH 1 and CH2 for Line/Mic/ Mic +48 V (phantom power).

Digital: 4 channels AES/EBU (Audio En- gineering Society/European Broadcast Union).

“How can you get 4 channels of digital audio into two XLR connectors?” A single 3-pin XLR AES/EBU connector can handle 2 channels simultaneously (multiplexing).

From John Fauer's Film and digital times special report on the F5 and F55:

http://http://www.fdtimes.com/pdfs/articles/sony/FDTimes-Sony-F5-F55-v4.6-150dpi.pdf

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Seems that John forgot the supposed secret beta testing of the Helium filled boom pole from K-Tek, although that just might be a lot of hot air as you know how those things get leaked.

Eric

We are currently working on an antigravity reflecto pole (remember the refletco pole?). I've been working with NASA and the scientists at CERN to great a small anti-gravity well generator inside the boom pole that would create an anti-gravity effect when in close proximity to the earth. The anti-gravity generator will have a potentiometer so you can adjust the amount of anti-gravity you want based on the weight at the end of your boom pole. There will also be an optional harness system you can wear that attaches to the boom pole that will actually lift you up off the ground. I did this for two reasons: One, because it's cool. And two, because short guys like me can have trouble booming sometimes and it would be handy to get a little tall every once in a while. The amplitude if the anti-gravity well generator will be able to go to "11", but doing so is very dangerous, and should only be done in situations where someone is yelling "boom in the shot" repeatedly during setup. When turned up to "11", a small black hole is generated and can be shot out the end of the boom pole at a given target and devour that target. In order to remove the black hole, we have the ability to adjust the anti-gravity well generator to "-20", and it'll suck the mini black hole back into the boom pole and collapse it upon itself creating a baby star, thereby negating the lighting folks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...