Rainier Davenport Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Q. How can you tell when a Producer is lying? A. Their lips are moving. Q. What is the difference between a D.O.P and God? A. God does not think he is a D.O.P. Q. What is the difference between a Gaffer and a Grip? A. A Gaffer removes the dishes from the sink before he pisses in it. Q. Why do Soundies never help move anything on set? A. They can't count beyond 1, 2 - 1, 2 check 1, 2. ha ha ha (everyone lifts on 3) yeah funny huh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Toline Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q. How tall is a sound mixer? A. No one knows, they've never seen one standing up. Eric Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainier Davenport Posted August 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q. How many Trotskyist sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb? A. "It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED!"?" Q. What's black and crispy and hangs smouldering from the ceiling? A. A sound recordist, trying to change a light bulb. Q. How tall is a soundie when standing perfectly erect? A. Nobody knows. It’s never happened. Q. Why do soundies like working on weekends? A. The newspapers are thicker. Q. Why do soundies wear white camouflage? A. So they can’t be spotted in the catering tent. Q. How many soundies does it take to change a light bulb? A. Six. One to change it, and five to stand around saying "I was offered that job." A man walks into a shop. "Do you stock those Ikegami DVCAM cameras, a Manfrotto tripod and some lights?" "You're a cameraman, aren't you?" "Yeah. How did you know?" "This is a travel agency." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPSharman Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 An actress charges into a library, "I'd like a large, half-caf, non-fat, sugar-free caramel, iced latte!" The librarian looks at her and says, "This is a library." The actress says, "Oh, I'm sorry... <(use a whisper)> I'd like a large, half-caf, non-fat, sugar-free caramel, iced latte." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
André Boisvert Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q. How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Ohhh... We're not changing anything... Q. How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbuld? A. 17. You got a problem with that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurence Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q How many UPM's does it take to change a light bulb? A Can't we just go with what we got and shoot? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misosound Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: Why can't a DP smoke a cigarette? A: Because it takes him three hours to light it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPSharman Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 I think he asked for NEW jokes, people! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joecrabb Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: How can you tell when the teamster on set has died? A: He Drops his doughnut. Q: How can you identify the Line Producer on set? A: He picks up the doughnut, brushes it off, and puts it back on the craft services table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Steigerwald Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: What's the difference between a PA and a Grip? A: A PA can spell Grip. Q: How can you tell when the dolly is level? A: Drool comes out of both sides of the DPs mouth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurence Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 An ENG crew finds a Genie, who offers them each a wish. When the Genie asks the Camera Guy what he wants, he says... I want to be sitting in the back seat of a limo with a big fat cigar and 3 hot chicks crawling all over me. Poof, he disappears. When the Genie asks the Sound Guy what he wants, he says... I want to be sitting on the porch of my villa in Southern France reading poetry and sipping a cool Chardonnay. Poof, he disappears, too. Then the Genie asks the UPM what he wishes for and he says... I want those two assholes back here RIGHT NOW! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gohanto Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 MOS Mixer out smoking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
graham Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: Why are women bad as first ACs? A: They're told this (hold thumb and index finger in a "C" shape) is 8 inches their whole lives Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPSharman Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: Why do grips cry during sex? A: It's the mace. That shit stings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roger Slater Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: How many Line Producers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 5, but you can only have 2... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Ford Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: Did you hear about the new grip test.... A: They lock you in a room with a bowling ball and you either have to steal it or smash it. 3 actresses all just landed parts on a big new feature and are sitting in a fancy restaurant to celebrate. The first one is asked how she got the part, to which she replies: "I slept with the director, he said he'd give me a great part and make me a star." The second one is asked how she got the part and she says: "I slept with the DP, he said he'd light me all sexy and make me famous." When the third actress is asked she says: "Oh well I slept with the sound guy..." "Why would you sleep with the sound guy?" "Well everyones always walking around saying F sound! F sound! F sound!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurence Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 A Key Grip takes his kid to work one day to learn about the film business. They come home, and mom says "So what did you learn with Daddy at work today?" Kid says "I learned how to move a fuckin' sand bag and I learned how to set a fuckin' C-stand and I learned how to move a fuckin' dolly." Mom says "Oh great.... go wash your hands and sit down for dinner." Kid runs off to the bathroom, and when he returns, Mom says "You forgot to turn off the bathroom light... go turn that off right now." Kids says "Aww mom, that's a fuckin' Electrician's job." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pedersensound Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Well that's about as useful as yesterday's sides... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPSharman Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Well that's about as useful as yesterday's sides... Or as accurate as today's sides. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
engaudio Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 More then you ever need to know... http://www.shootfirst.co.uk/lightbulbs.htm Regards, Grant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Gilchrist Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 "How many producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" "Producers don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs." As told by my favorite script supervisor, Miss Information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bperlman Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Q: What do you call a grip in a suit? A: A defendant. An out of work grip calls his director friend begging for a job. The director asks if the guy is willing to do some painting for him. The grip agrees. He shows up at the directors house and is told to use the white paint in the garage to paint the porch in the back. Twenty minutes later he comes in and announces he's finished. "You can't paint a porch in twenty minutes", the amazed director says. The grip replies, "first of all, boss, it wasn't a porch it was a Mercedes..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Gilchrist Posted August 24, 2009 Report Share Posted August 24, 2009 Miss Information's favorite (she blushed when she told it to me): What's the difference between a grip and a pig? A pig won't stay up all night trying to F--- a grip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old school Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Hey Jim, love that joke. It is also a drummer joke. CrewC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Gilchrist Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Hey Jim, love that joke. It is also a drummer joke. CrewC Lawyer jokes become producer jokes. Drummer jokes become grip jokes. Mixer jokes are mixer jokes, both film and music. There aren't really many DP jokes because they plain aren't funny. Mostly about guys compensating for something I guess. Thanks, Crew. Best regards, Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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