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Industry related jokes, add yours, I need some new ones...


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Q. How can you tell when a Producer is lying?

A. Their lips are moving.

Q. What is the difference between a D.O.P and God?

A. God does not think he is a D.O.P.

Q. What is the difference between a Gaffer and a Grip?

A. A Gaffer removes the dishes from the sink before he pisses in it.

Q. Why do Soundies never help move anything on set?

A. They can't count beyond 1, 2 - 1, 2 check 1, 2. ha ha ha (everyone lifts on 3) yeah funny huh!

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Q. How many Trotskyist sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. "It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED!"?"

Q. What's black and crispy and hangs smouldering from the ceiling?

A. A sound recordist, trying to change a light bulb.

Q. How tall is a soundie when standing perfectly erect?

A. Nobody knows. It’s never happened.

Q. Why do soundies like working on weekends?

A. The newspapers are thicker.

Q. Why do soundies wear white camouflage?

A. So they can’t be spotted in the catering tent.

Q. How many soundies does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Six. One to change it, and five to stand around saying "I was offered that job."

A man walks into a shop.

"Do you stock those Ikegami DVCAM cameras, a Manfrotto tripod and some lights?"

"You're a cameraman, aren't you?"

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

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An actress charges into a library, "I'd like a large, half-caf, non-fat, sugar-free caramel, iced latte!"  The librarian looks at her and says, "This is a library."  The actress says, "Oh, I'm sorry... <(use a whisper)> I'd like a large, half-caf, non-fat, sugar-free caramel, iced latte."

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An ENG crew finds a Genie, who offers them each a wish.  When the Genie asks the Camera Guy what he wants, he says... I want to be sitting in the back seat of a limo with a big fat cigar and 3 hot chicks crawling all over me.  Poof, he disappears.  When the Genie asks the Sound Guy what he wants, he says... I want to be sitting on the porch of my villa in Southern France reading poetry and sipping a cool Chardonnay.  Poof, he disappears, too.  Then the Genie asks the UPM what he wishes for and he says... I want those two assholes back here RIGHT NOW!

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Q: Did you hear about the new grip test....

A: They lock you in a room with a bowling ball and you either have to steal it or smash it.

3 actresses all just landed parts on a big new feature and are sitting in a fancy restaurant to celebrate. The first one is asked how she got the part, to which she replies:

"I slept with the director, he said he'd give me a great part and make me a star."

The second one is asked how she got the part and she says:

"I slept with the DP, he said he'd light me all sexy and make me famous."

When the third actress is asked she says:

"Oh well I slept with the sound guy..."

"Why would you sleep with the sound guy?"

"Well everyones always walking around saying F sound! F sound! F sound!"

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A Key Grip takes his kid to work one day to learn about the film business.  They come home, and mom says "So what did you learn with Daddy at work today?"  Kid says "I learned how to move a fuckin' sand bag and I learned how to set a fuckin' C-stand and I learned how to move a fuckin' dolly."  Mom says "Oh great.... go wash your hands and sit down for dinner."  Kid runs off to the bathroom, and when he returns, Mom says "You forgot to turn off the bathroom light... go turn that off right now."  Kids says "Aww mom, that's a fuckin' Electrician's job."

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Q: What do you call a grip in a suit?

A: A defendant.

An out of work grip calls his director friend begging for a job.  The director asks if the guy is willing to do some painting for him.  The grip agrees.  He shows up at the directors house and is told to use the white paint in the garage to paint the porch in the back.  Twenty minutes later he comes in and announces he's finished.  "You can't paint a porch in twenty minutes", the amazed director says.  The grip replies, "first of all, boss, it wasn't a porch it was a Mercedes..."

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Hey Jim, love that joke. It is also a drummer joke.

CrewC

Lawyer jokes become producer jokes.

Drummer jokes become grip jokes.

Mixer jokes are mixer jokes,  both film and music.

There aren't really many DP jokes because they plain aren't funny. Mostly about guys compensating for something I guess.

Thanks, Crew.

Best regards,

Jim

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