Runaway to Canada

[David Waelder]

In follow up to the many posts about Runaway Production, I thought I would post this recent article about running away to Canada:

From the Manitoba Herald, Canada (a very underground paper):

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada

has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols

to stop the illegal immigration.

The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among

left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray,

and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of

sociology professors, animal- rights activists and Unitarians crossing

their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood

producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,

whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted

and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range

chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to

show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher

fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers

that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he

said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so

much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals

near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive

them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an

Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of

drinking water. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,

though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often

wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors

have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing

re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink

domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of

crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on

bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a

half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian

immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed

senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to

prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk

Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are

creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan

Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just

can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history

majors does one country need?

(posted by David Waelder)