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How to Become a Full Fledged Curmudgeon in 14 Steps

al mcguire

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How to Become a Full Fledged Curmudgeon

Have you finally given up on becoming a sex god, movie star, billionaire or genius during your life? You may be ready to become a curmudgeon!

Curmudgeons are falsely believed to be grumpy old men, along the lines of Walter Matthau or Andy Rooney. The truth is we can be any gender or any age. Curmudgeons are supremely independent thinkers, very wise, and have excellent senses of humor!

1 Curmudgeons are not pleasers! You must not care to be popular or liked. If that matters to you, go to therapy!

2 Curmudgeons are not crabby - that is a myth. We tell the truth, and some people don't like that. Tell Junior what you really think of his writing. Tell Aunt Ida that she's got bad breath. Don't be mean about it, but don't try to make everything sound pretty!

3 Curmudgeons do not follow 'trends'! You must learn to think for yourself! If a popular media figure says something is great, you don't care for it. If most of the people around you like a TV show, gadget or movie, it makes you yawn. You may need to try forcing yourself not to like what's popular until you learn to think independently.

4 Curmudgeons do not shop! Find something else to do with your time, like go for walks, garden, or take up a craft (it does not need to be a good or useful craft - it's the process that counts).

5 Curmudgeons do not like new things. Poke around the attic, garage or basement until you find that old thing you used to use, rather than buy something new. Or borrow it!

6 Curmudgeons dress for comfort! Women - throw out those tight clothes, restrictive underwear (thongs), high heels and pantyhose. Men - throw out those white button down shirts, ties and belts (try suspenders). Wear things that feel good and let you breathe!

7 Curmudgeons do not care for the latest styles. Throw away your fashion magazines. We read fashion magazine to have a good laugh!

8 Curmudgeons do not go to fitness centers to exercise. If forced to go by your spouse, go when the crowds die down and do not wear spandex! Spend a lot of time in the steam room or sauna.

9 Curmudgeons go outside to exercise. Try golf, playing with the dog or puttering around the yard.

10 Curmudgeons tend to own pets. If you do not already have one, get a dog, cat or parrot (that you teach to curse). Pets give you something to talk to when you upset the ones you love by being you.

11 Curmudgeons are not angry people. Never yell at anyone or say things to upset them. Stupidity has its own rewards. Hold your tongue and you won't be the stupid one.

12 Curmudgeons do not argue. Let people believe whatever stupidity they hold onto and just walk away.

13 Curmudgeons do like to tell good stories. Work up some good short stories that tell about interesting experiences you've had or people you've known. Learn how to time them so they are never boring or repetitive. An ironic twist at the end is helpful.

14 Curmudgeons have excellent senses of humor. Find the humor in at least 5 things you see every day. Smile or laugh and catch someone's eye to share the moment.

While curmudgeons dress for comfort, this is not an excuse to wear dirty, sloppy or horrible looking clothes. You don't want to draw ridicule or negative attention.

Curmudgeons do not smell! Bathe regularly and do not use colognes. Nothing blows your effectiveness as a speaker more than bad or overwhelming odors!

Do not wear pants that expose your butt every time you bend over!

If you must smoke tobacco, make it a cigar or use a pipe.

You may lose friends when you stop agreeing with people all the time, but they are seldom friends you will miss much.

Curmudgeons may drink, but they do not get drunk. Nothing makes you stupid faster than getting sloppy with your drinking.

If you need to work for a living, you may need to tone down your curmudgeonly tendencies at work, or at least with the boss.

Some curmudgeons resort to punning - proceed at your own risk!

Not all curmudgeons are equal. There are some bitter ones, stupid ones, wise ones and sweet ones, so hang with the sweet or wise ones unless you are doing research.

Curmudgeons can look kind of pathetic on the dating scene, as they can be so out of touch as to send dates running out the back door. Please get some advice from a kind friend before dating - on appropriate dress, behavior and conversation topics. It's ruthless out there!


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