dominiquegreffard Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Hi guys, On a bit of a personnal note here: Just recently became a dad for the first time. I couldnt be happier about it. I must say i am a concerned about being a good parent while maintaining a somehow succesfull momentum in this business of long hours and often being away from home. I can already feel that it will be hard to leave the family behind sometimes.. I know i will have to take more things in consideration before taking on gigs. I m sure some of you went through this and i would be honored to listen to any advice or experiences you might wanna share on the subject. Thanks in advance for your inputs and ideas, Dominique Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Blankenship Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 First off -- Congratulations! Secondly -- My main advice is to realize that you're making choices, you don't just let things "happen to you." Taking a gig over going to your kid's recital is a choice -- likewise, going to your child's recital rather than taking a gig is a choice. Those choices are yours to make. If you're willing to say "no" (and in a position you can), your life will be much more satisfying. Since you're asking the question, it seems that you're already aware that it is a matter of choices, so you're on the right path. Having a wife who understands your world is monumental. Also, if you work primarily in your home city, despite a bit longer hours than some careers, it's more like a "normal" job -- depending, of course, on the type of gigs you gravitate toward. Independent films tend to be more the "wild west" when it comes to both hours and pay. They can be creatively rewarding if you choose carefully. Reality is getting to be more and more a back-breaker as some companies seem to think as long as they can cram all the sound gear it into one bag, one person can handle it. Corporate and commercials tend to be better suited for a family man. It's often closer to "normal hours" and (at least, once you build up a decent clientele) most folks you deal with are pretty straight-forward (even if sometimes the pay cycle can take a tad of time). I hope this helps a bit. Good luck, and again, congratulations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old school Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Hey Dominique, 1st, congratulations to you and your wife on having a child. There is no greater joy IMO. I struggled w this issue in the mid 80's when I was booming feature films w some of the best mixers in LA. These jobs/films often took me out of town for 2, 3, 6 months at a time. I decided to get out of the field I loved and go into commercials which I didn't really like other than the money time ratio and being home with my family most of the time. Looking back I'm glad I did make the change, but like everything in life you pay a price. Making the bacon and providing for your family is as important as being there day in and day out. I feel it boils down to the quality of the time, not the quantity of hours and days. It won't be easy but worth all your effort. CrewC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPSharman Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Congrats! Having taken a couple of years out of the business around 2000, I found a new appreciation for the business I love. While I saw my children every day, it was during the rush to get them off to school and during the rush to feed them and get them to bed. I had "vacation time" which I used for plays and recitals, so we had no vacation time left for vacations. We had less money to enjoy weekend activities. It became what Crew pointed out, more time but less quality. When I returned to the business, I did go days (when at home) or weeks/months (when on location) without seeing my family. But when I was off, also weeks or months at a stretch, I spent tons of quality time with my wife and children. I found this was much nicer for all of us. With Skype, the most recent location gigs have gotten much easier. It's totally worth it for you and your family to have a job you love, even given the sacrifices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taylormadeaudio Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Dominique, Congratulations! Both John and Crew nailed it. (So did Robert, who posted while I was still typing) : ) Get ready for your life to change big time! You'll find your priorities shifting, and it will definitely be challenging if/when you have to work away from home -- especially in your child's first few years. My daughter just turned 5... I've had my share of 'away' gigs -- mostly close enough to fly (or even drive) home most weekends on many of those gigs. The jobs I had where I couldn't make it home but every few weeks were much more taxing... but we have survived so far (knock on wood.) It's difficult to decide between providing for your family and being with your family -- ideally, you would never have to make that choice, right? But chances are, you will at some point... perhaps frequently... The key is communication... be as present as possible when you're away, and make sure your family understands your motivation for being away. It can really hurt sometimes -- there are things you might miss... firsts... like speech, crawling, self feeding, first steps... it's a huge gamble whether or not you'll be there to witness those once-in-a-lifetime moments. If at all possible, try to get set up with Skype, or Tango, or something similar so you can at least 'see' each other that way -- this is paramount for a new child with whom you are forming a paternal bond. And, yes... quality over quantity -- spoil the hell out of your family and lavish them with attention when you are home. Most importantly, follow your heart. I've turned down a few gigs over the last several years that were really hard to turn down -- one of which was "Breaking Bad" in it's first season... It was a difficult choice, but I just knew in my heart that the timing wasn't right, and it would have been more of a detriment to be gone. My career path has changed slightly as a result, but I don't regret turning down those jobs for a second. I'm still married, and I have amazing relationships with both my wife and my daughter. Spend as much time with family as you can. You can't get that time back. Work will come and go. Do what you have to in that respect, and be smart about it... keep your lights on as far as opportunities that will provide you with the security you need while affording you as much time with your family as possible. Good luck Dominique! ~tt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christian Spaeth Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Congratulations and the best wishes for your littel family form me too. I have two kids (3 and 1) and it is definitely a challenge to bring this kind of job and the family together, but it is possible. In a few months time (or earlier!) you'll think back and be stunned how fast they grow. My daughter is three years old now and it seems so long ago when she took her first steps. I try to keep that in mind and I know that my family always comes first for me. So I try to work jobs that allow me to sleep at home, so that at least I get to be with my wife and kids regularly, even if they're not awake. Being a dad will help you focus on what's important in your work life, too. It has helped me in negotiating with producers because I always keep in mind that I work in order to feed my kids. On the other end, now that I have a private life (which many others I work with don't seem to have!), I hate it when I'm on a shoot and feel like others are unnecessarily wasting time, resulting in overtime that I'd rather spend at home (and could if everyone did their job right). Sometimes that kind of thinking can drive you crazy though. And if you have to cancel a job offer, you will always know that you did it for the right reason. Anyway, all the best to you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philip Perkins Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Congrats. Something I learned the hard way: kids keep growing and changing, not always for the better, whether you are there or not. My wife is very understanding, and I was doing well enough in those days that she could pretty much devote most of her time to the kids. That was ok when they were young. When they became teeners, not so much. I realized that if I wanted my kids to succeed (and wanted to be part of that success) I was going to have to dial the traveling gigs down to about zero, and find another way to make a living (local jobs, post). My kids are successful adults now. Did I do the right thing? I think so--they would have been pretty ok without me I trust, but I know I helped them (and they certainly help me). In other words....don't miss this. phil p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olle Sjostrom Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Grattis!!! I'm happy for you! I have a 15 month old son myself. I know you're in Sweden now and hopefully you can use the ultra luxury paternity leave from försäkringskassan. For all you non swedes: that means you are able to get money from the state relative to your income, and be away a maximum of some 400 days per family. Truly great. I stayed home 8 months. I got lucky though, as I had just (as in newer than 2 years) started my business I had the right to the same wage as a fully employed sound engineer, which is around 360k SEK a year ($40000?). That enabled me to take leave days 4 days a week and be able to do freelance commercial days the other three days with no problem. Still a good father (I hope), still working. Now that he's in kindergarten and my wife working (she's also working with film, Director!!) I have no problems going on travel jobs and all that jazz. Sweden is a great country for this, I hope you have the right to use it. All the best to you. Hope to see you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Toline Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Been there, done that. Eventually with the right guidence and independence they all grow up to be adults you can be proud of. Case in point, my daughter Gwen: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dominiquegreffard Posted November 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 First and foremost thank you all for these great words of wisdom. This will most definetly help me along my path of finding balance in all of this. It really comes down to respecting yourself as a essential part of a family structure i believe. And all of you said it best, there s no second takes for important moments in a children s life. It s hard to find the strenght to resist taking more professional challenges but i m sure life will teach me the rewards of fulfilling my fatherhood life. Nobody said it was gonna be easy but it s a fun ride for sure. "If the young knew, if the old could do it again" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dominiquegreffard Posted November 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Grattis!!! I'm happy for you! I have a 15 month old son myself. I know you're in Sweden now and hopefully you can use the ultra luxury paternity leave from försäkringskassan. For all you non swedes: that means you are able to get money from the state relative to your income, and be away a maximum of some 400 days per family. Truly great. I stayed home 8 months. I got lucky though, as I had just (as in newer than 2 years) started my business I had the right to the same wage as a fully employed sound engineer, which is around 360k SEK a year ($40000?). That enabled me to take leave days 4 days a week and be able to do freelance commercial days the other three days with no problem. Still a good father (I hope), still working. Now that he's in kindergarten and my wife working (she's also working with film, Director!!) I have no problems going on travel jobs and all that jazz. Sweden is a great country for this, I hope you have the right to use it. All the best to you. Hope to see you! Hej olle, Tack so mycket. I m sure your a great dad! Yeah i m in sweden now but i m here as a visitor and i don t have citizenship so no benefit for me.. My swedish girlfriend and soon wife does get everything though. I roll with the far inferior canadian father compensation system. You guys seriously have it good. No wonder there s babys everywhere here hehe. Yeah for sure i ll talk to you soon. Cheers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug Osborn Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 There's nothing much better in life than parenthood. Congratulations! When my wife and I had our two daughters we were fortunate enough for her to stay at home for nearly ten years. We chose to simply our lifestyle as much as possible. I had long hours, but a "semi-flexible" schedule that permitted me to spend short bursts of time with my daughters. Just look for creative ways to spend time with your family. Every month I would push the furniture out of the way and put up our backpacking tent in the living room, bust out the sleeping bags, some flashlights and have indoor camp-outs with my girls. A lot of experts say girls need their mother more in early development and need their father more in their tween and teen years. I slowed down my schedule as they got older. Absolutely no regrets whatsoever. Dads have an incredible amount of influence on their children. The only difficult part is learning how to balance being a provider while managing our time and dreams so we can spend time parentlng our kids. Few if any of us are going to wish that we spent "more time at the office" when we're on our death beds. The important thing then will be the moments we have spent with our loved ones and friends. Find a way to make it happen, make an impact on your children and leave a lasting legacy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Blankenship Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 ...Find a way to make it happen, make an impact on your children and leave a lasting legacy. And remember, your children will learn more from who you are than from what you say. That means you're helping your kids the most by being the happiest, most joyful person you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christian Spaeth Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 I remembered a phrase my dad wrote me when my first kid was born: It's easy to become a father, but it's hard to be one. We grow with our challenges. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Van Dyke Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Yes, no greater joy in life than being a parent, and no time in your life or theirs like the first ten years. As Christian points out it's simple to become a Father, but accepting the challenge and responsibility of parenthood is what makes you one. I remember when Crew made his decision, I so admired him for making that selfless choice, and it worked out for him parenting wise and also professionally. When my daughter was an infant I used to walk her around the house at night singing to her, and the song I sang the most was the theme from "Gilligan's Island!" That's right, one of the few songs I could remember all the words to at 3 in the morning. Well, my daughter calls me up one day, when she's around 6 years old, and says with great delight, "Poppy!! There's a Gilligan's Island television show!! And their singing your song!!" There is incredible imprinting that goes on in those very first few years. You'll make sacrifices to your profession, that's understandable by most, but they should be willing sacrifices to spend that time with your child. And there's nothing like the hugs from a child when you've been away. Children also force you to become a better person, if you accept the "role model" aspect of parenting, they'll mimic your movements and words and actions. They make you speak honestly to them and be honest with yourself, excepting maybe Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, but you are their source for all information. My daughter Courtney just graduated from the Le Cordon Bleu Cooking School and already is working as a chef at a restaurant in Santa Monica, California. This is a picture of my daughter Courtney on the left and her friend Nicole on the right. Proud Father Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old school Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Congrats to Courtney. As great as it is to be a new parent there are rewards along the whole journey and adventure of being a parent. Cheers to all as RVD is fond of saying. CrewC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhyOne Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Dominique! Congratulations, now with a little luck, you may become an ancestor! One thing I did to make not being there a little easier for all, was to record (we are sound folk, after all) myself reading my sons' favorite bedtime stories, and editing on at the end, all of the goodnight nows, love you more than anythings, sleep wells, make sure you listen to your moms, etc. And many nights, when asked by my wife, "What shall we read tonight?" the response would be, "Let's hear a Daddy tape!" Worked well for a time... Jay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taylormadeaudio Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Great idea Jay! ~tt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olle Sjostrom Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 I brought a recorder to the birthing. That is awesome hearing the breaths of the baby lying on the chest of the mother. The pictures are nice as well but nothing brings me back more than hearing that breathing. Should put it up on here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Mega Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 I will join this club in about 7 weeks!! First for me too, cant wait. It will be a juggle but looking forward to it. Here's to fatherhood!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff New Jersey Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 This is a copy of a older post from another topic I wrote but thought it applied. First Off congrats...... In my opinion being a good dad is all about compromise. Being a good dad takes the concept of "compromise" to a whole other level then just being a compromising husband..... Being a hardcore soundguy that doesnt turn down jobs is not a lifestyle that all wives go for. My wife knows I love what I do, and I know she is happy for me...and she and I know that I could easily loose my life in work because I enjoy doing it. What makes my wife happy is that I can pay the bills that I need to, be a good father to our kids, give her some attention, and help around the house. (she also works full time, so when I work crazy schedules, it just means her life is going to be hellish...) I am pretty positive my home life would fall apart if I worked the way some of my fellow soundies do it (my wifes personality is just not cut out for it, but your wife may be cool with it). I can see it on my ladies face that she is often just humoring me when I tell her about a story on a crazy/fun gig. What she is probably thinking is who is doing the laundry, taking out the trash, taking the kids to school, when will we have time to go on a vacation again,,, and it would be nice to go out on a date...... When my wife and I got serious she said she would rather see me more even if we made less money. So far thats how our relationship has played out. I work on very ordinary jobs, and really feel like I work well under my potential trying to keep my work and home life in balance.......(I have a feeling this will change as my kids get older and my wife gets sick looking at me. We have been married 7 years and have 2 little ones.) My ego absolutely wants to work on the bigger or traveling jobs I once used to, or the bigger ones I get offered now, but I try to keep my drive in check.......but holding that ego back is a constant struggle I tell myself I will never regret spending more time with my family, and less time developing my career. But I am pretty sure I would regret missing out on my family as a result of spending to much time on my job. And what I just wrote I have to convince myself on a daily basis,,, I am absolutely pained when I say no to a weekend job,(although I do work the occasional weekend) or don't go away on a good traveling gig(does that exist). In my heart I would have little problem working on holidays birthdays graduations, etc......I always have to jog my brain to remember their will be consequences to my actions if I do what ever I want to. I do get upset that I do not have all the toys I want to because I loose out on many jobs and $$$$$ because I just don't take them because they dont fit into my current plan. I think the career of being a soundie is the career that you choose to make it. And I feel it is always evolving. as I said I work on pretty ordinary stuff, but I do make what I consider a decent living...... through experience one often finds what works for them and their wife/partner. Its up to you to follow that plan, or suffer the consequences. Not to say you shouldn't push the envelope every now and then but I think consequences are obvious, for me when I think they are not obvious I am usually just in denial. And I admit in a couple years when I reread this post I might say wow I had it all wrong, I should have done what ever I wanted to do because my career would have been stronger, and my family stuff would have worked out......so I guess thats a question for the guys older then I, whats more important sacrificing for your family, or just take what ever gig you want, and let everything just play out..... I think we are often nervous to say no to jobs because of the uncertainty of our paydays.....What I have found in 16 years is when I say no to a gig, tommorrow still comes, and so does another paycheck.(I only say this after the fact....at the time of me passing a gig, I dont feel so confident) I think this is the greatest business when you are in your 20's, single, and don't own a house...........Im 39 now and still love my job, but it gets waaaaaaaaaayyyy more complicated when you have to think about people other then yourself......... Again Congrats, you will see the whole world in a new way, a wonderful way, and the concept of living for me, me, me will slowly evolve in a way you never imagined... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taylormadeaudio Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Congrats Peter!! You'll find a wealth of advice from the other fathers on this forum. Nice read Jeff... +1 You described my own personal dilemma to a tee. I absolutely love my job. And I absolutely love my family. In a perfect word, I will maintain a balance between the two. Either way it leans, I'm happy to be alive, and thankful for the opportunities that constantly unfold in front of me. We're shooting the rehearsal ; ) ~tt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Mega Posted December 26, 2011 Report Share Posted December 26, 2011 I will join this club in about 7 weeks!! First for me too, cant wait. It will be a juggle but looking forward to it. Here's to fatherhood!! So my little boy decided to come earlier than the planned caeserean on December 28 and guess what day he chose......yep you guessed it, Christmas Day 2011. We so weren't planning on spending Xmas day having a baby but its sooooooo cool!! Writing this from the hospital after he just had his first bath!! Jayden John Mega or JJ Mega I'm sure you can tell I'm very happy. Hope you all have an amazing a Xmas as I have!! All the best... Cheers. Peter Mega Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olle Sjostrom Posted December 26, 2011 Report Share Posted December 26, 2011 So my little boy decided to come earlier than the planned caeserean on December 28 and guess what day he chose......yep you guessed it, Christmas Day 2011. We so weren't planning on spending Xmas day having a baby but its sooooooo cool!! Writing this from the hospital after he just had his first bath!! Jayden John Mega or JJ Mega I'm sure you can tell I'm very happy. Hope you all have an amazing a Xmas as I have!! All the best... Cheers. Peter Mega Best christmas gift ever! Congratulations man! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Wexler Posted December 26, 2011 Report Share Posted December 26, 2011 Congratulations Peter !! Regarding the title of this topic, being a DAD has so much more going for it than being a sound mixer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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